Dear pastor,

When I asked you this morning whether we might use the worship center projector and screen to watch the upcoming Super Bowl, I was delighted to learn you were already intending to devote a sermon to the sport.

I want you to know that I became so excited that I immediately went into my attic and dusted off the helmet I wore during my memorable 5th grade football season at South Hills Elementary School. It still fits, as my head was much fuller of prideful thoughts in those days, which explains why I was so easily tackled (Proverbs 16:18b “…Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall”). Fortunately, the front of the mask is relatively open, which allows my nose to grow when I make too much of my current humility.

Sadly, it would be unbiblical to actually wear the helmet in the service. (1 Corinthians 11:7 “For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man.”) Therefore, If we can find five more in the congregation with helmets, I submit that we can reinforce your message by using them as offering plates. To truly make the most of it, I am thinking we could divide the ushers into two teams and see which raised the most money in, say, the last 2 minutes of the service. We will have to be careful, however, to avoid any rush by givers with second thoughts, who may wish to get their quarterback.

To keep pace with your message, I humbly suggest that we employ projection of a large stopwatch on our screen, which pauses each time you stop to take a breath. In the case that you do not spend enough time on your sentences, we will exercise some form of discipline, as scripture prescribes (Hbr 12:10a “For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them…”)

I’m sure you will close the sermon with a pastoral prayer, for which we shall bow our heads. If we can arrange for a referee to quietly move to the platform as you pray, we will see prophesy fulfilled as you say “Amen” and people resume their sitting postures: (Zechariah 2:1 “And I lifted my eyes and saw, and behold, a man with a measuring line in his hand!”

I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can find many other ways to bring a strong offense to our assembly.

Thanks so much for tackling a subject that is profound, challenging, and will undoubtedly fill our stadium with seekers.

Yours till the final whistle,

Mike